Batman V Superman

I saw Batman V Superman last week. SPOILER ALERT: I liked it. Maybe it was because the reviews lowered my expectations significantly. Or maybe I’ll watch anything with Batman in it. Or maybe I just had enough margaritas to like just about anything by the end of the night. [SHRUGS] It doesn’t really matter. But I did have a few thoughts on it:

I’m about to go against every feminist bone in my body right now. I can’t even believe I’m going to type this. [DEEP BREATH] Lois Lane needs to sit down somewhere. You can not be in a public relationship with the most famous superhero in the world and just casually go meet up with the leader of a terrorist group. You can’t be on the front page of the Daily Planet kissing Superman and just wander around at night like it’s no issue. You will always be a pawn anytime if someone wants to get at Superman. And Superman is never gonna let you just die, so you’re always a distraction. So, why not actually take care of yourself, keep a low profile, and STOP putting him danger? In fact, I don’t think Superman’s weakness is kryptonite. I think it’s Lois Lane.

We must just love to see Batman’s parents die. In fact, I saw this at the Alamo Drafthouse and they had a great little piece before the movie where it showed Batman’s parents dying simultaneously on eight different panels…. And then that movie started and we saw them die again.

I really, really hate Ben Affleck’s face and I’ve hated the idea of him being Batman from the moment it was announced. That said, he wasn’t terrible. He makes a better Bruce Wayne than Batman, though. But that voice he uses in the suit… why?

Was Lex Luthor supposed to be insane? Autistic? On drugs? He had a Joker vibe I didn’t understand or need. The actor played Mark Zuckerberg in The Social Network. So I felt like I was watching Mark Zuckerberg as Lex Luthor as the Joker.

The were a lot of dream sequences. In fact, there was a dream sequence INSIDE of a dream sequence. Not sure they did much for the movie, either.

Gotham and Metropolis are supposedly right next to each other. Sure.

For being a movie titled about a battle between two superheroes, there was only one actual fight. I will say that the actual battle between Superman and Batman was really enjoyable. It also reminded me of really, really specific gay porn.

Wonder Woman had a bigger presence than I thought she would. In general, I liked her portrayal. I never really got into her but if they can make her a fully realized character I’d love it. I also enjoyed all the other superheroes getting a little show–Aquaman, Flash, and Cyclops. It made me excited for the upcoming Justice League movies.

I wonder about those tertiary characters though. Diane Lane, Kevin Costner, Jason Momoa–how many day did they have to shoot. If you’re Diane Lane and you agreed to be Superman’s mama a long time ago, are you pissy that you have to come shoot for a week for a Superman/Batman movie or are you ecstatic about it? This is probably why people don’t want to watch movies with me. I really care about how the sausage gets made.

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Princess Jones

Princess Jones is a fantasy author with an obsession with the stories we tell ourselves over and over. For more talk about books, connect with her on Goodreads.

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