I saw Captain America: Civil War last night and I have some thoughts on it. If you haven’t seen it yet, you should get off of this page right now. Spoilers lie again, my friend.

No, seriously, spoilers are coming after the jump. So you should stop scrolling.

Still here? Well I can’t stop you. Here we go:

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I have not seen any other Captain America movies. I find him and Superman very similar in that there’s nothing really interesting about him. He doesn’t have the duality of light and dark that I like in most of my superheroes.

Also, I have a vague feeling that Captain America wouldn’t save me if I needed help. He’s supposedly technically a hundred years old. Which makes me think that he’s probably racist. Not like burn-a-cross-on-your-lawn racist but probably-would-call-me-colored-and-ask-if-I’m-afraid-of-dogs racist. You know, old people racist.

The actor who plays Captain America looks a lot like an old supervisor of mine who was a lazy, lying sack of shit. He took me into a room once and told me that everyone hates me because I’m loud and talk too much. Which is probably true but, still, fuck him.

I thought I’d be on Ironman’s side of the war. I wasn’t.

I’ve never really loved Spider-Man but I LOVE this iteration of Spider-Man. Of course Spider-Man is always young but I love when they let him be a young kid. I am officially excited for the upcoming Spider-Man movies.

Marissa fucking Tomei!!! I’m officially DOUBLE excited for the upcoming Spider-Man movies.

I think an action movie isn’t an action movie unless there are big explosions, lots of fight scenes, and lots of killer one liners. Civil War definitely brought it all to the party. This was especially apparent because I was watching *Lucy* earlier in the day and it was TERRIBLE. It was an action movie that didn’t quite know whether it wanted to stretch to become a drama, and so it did neither very well. Thank goodness for Civil War because it cleaned that bad taste out of my mouth.

They really gave Ant Man some love in this one and I thought they handled him really well for a character that doesn’t always get much respect. I hope DC handles Aquaman just as well in the upcoming Justice League movies.

I cheered when Black Panther appeared on the screen. I literally cheered in the theater as a grown woman in her mid thirties.

It’s interesting that both Batman V Superman and Civil War started with incidents in Africa. I wonder why. Something about it is strange.

When Captain America fucked up Ironman’s suit, how did Ironman get home from the remote arctic destination they were fighting in?

How come superheroes have such parental issues? It’s always about somebody’s dead mama and daddy. Now I want a full list of all the superheroes that had good childhoods and their parents died of old age at the appropriate time.

I still have this fascination with these actors that signed up to be Marvel characters like five years ago and therefore are included as bit parts in some of these bigger movies. I wonder how long they were on set. I wonder if they were really happy to be a part of this or if it was an annoyance.

Stay until the end of the credits. It’s cute and it will make you even more excited for the upcoming Spider-Man movies.

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Princess Jones

Princess Jones is a fantasy author with an obsession with the stories we tell ourselves over and over. For more talk about books, connect with her on Goodreads.

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