I have rather large boobs. I’m not bragging. You shouldn’t be excited. You shouldn’t feel bad for me, either. It’s just a fact. I’ve had them since I was 10 years old. And I feel like I’ve accepted them as much as any woman can really accept and love any body part.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t fantasize about having small ones.

"window dressing" by William Ward

If I had small boobs, I’d never wear a bra. Not to work. Not to church. (I mean, should there be some sort of funeral or something because otherwise I don’t know why I’d be in a church.) Not to formal events. I wouldn’t even own a bra for emergencies. I’d have a nude pair of pasties just in case I had to go to court. But other than that, if you didn’t want to see my nips, we should only correspond through text message. (Not even Hangouts or Skype. I’m sure my nips would show up on your screen.)

If ever I was forced to buy a bra for some occasion, I’d just run into any store and pick up some cotton thingie for 45 cents because that’s how much I think small bras cost. I would save so much money, y’all.

If I had small boobs, I’d wear plunging necklines. Like all the way to my navel. I would fear no wardrobe malfunction because two sided tape would be enough to save me should anything happen. (Even if one of my small boobs fell out of my shirt, it would be all small and perky instead of like a large gourd of some sort dragging along the floor as I shuffled away. So no one would be offended.) I’d also have deep back cleavage because I wouldn’t be wearing a bra to ruin the effect.

If I had small boobs, my only mode of transportation would be pogo stick. I would hop up and down on my pogo stick everywhere I’d need to go. Target. The library. Daycare pickup. You want to have lunch? Give me three hours to hop down there on my stick. And when I wasn’t on my pogo stick, I’d be running at full speed up and down the street without worrying about giving myself black eyes.

If I had small boobs, I’d pierce my nips. I’d have various nipple rings I’d wear depending on how I felt that day. I could also ride roller coasters and the safety bar would actually go all the way down. I could wear name tags in the intended place on my chest without feeling scuzzy. My back wouldn’t hurt. It’s a fact that I’d weigh less if I had small boobs. (I figure my boobs currently weigh about 50 lbs each. Think I’m overestimating that? Too bad. Don’t tell me. Let me believe what I need to believe.)

And if anybody didn’t like any of this, I’d shake my boobs at them. And no, I wouldn’t have to worry about taking out any small children nearby. It’d just be some girl shaking her cute boobs at the world.

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Princess Jones

Princess Jones is a fantasy author with an obsession with the stories we tell ourselves over and over. For more talk about books, connect with her on Goodreads.

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