I’d like to start off this Asked and Answered session with the declaration that while I have many sins, chronic lying isn’t one of them. This is for two reasons. The first is that I talk too damn much to be trying to remember shit I said. And second, I just am not embarrassed or ashamed by enough things to lie about them. In fact, I’m much more likely to just say “Yeah, that’s none of your business.”
But I have lied, of course. I think the most blatant lie I ever told was that I was pregnant. I actually didn’t say I was pregnant. I was on a city bus and I wanted a seat so I just pretended to be pregnant.
Now, any of you who have ridden public transportation know that in a perfect world someone gives up a seat for the pregnant, elderly, or disabled on the bus or train. But in the real world, you also know that when you see that pregnant lady with three kids wobble onto the train car, you’re thinking “FUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKK. I don’t want to stand up for an hour.” And then you play that game of chicken with everybody else there. You don’t want to get up if you don’t have to but you also don’t want to be the douche who didn’t.
Commuting in NYC is hard. It’s tiring. It’s smelly. Sometimes it’s an obstacle course. You just wanna get home now. And if you’re doing it during rush hour, you’re likely standing for most of it holding on to some tiny piece of a handrail while uncomfortably close to a stranger–a stranger who doesn’t smell nice.
On the day in question, I was tired. Really tired. And I was the only one standing on the bus. So I decided to put this belly–from Chipotle, not a fetus–to use. I pushed it out as far as it would go, rubbed it, and tried to make my face look like I was making a baby. The only problem is that I’ve never been pregnant and I don’t really hang out with pregnant people. So I probably just looked constipated.
Still, it worked. A man offered me a seat. I sat down for the next 25 minutes and then got off the bus. And no, I don’t really regret it.